Hey N, im sorry.

Hey N, you made a blog for me. and i think i should make a blog to you and tell ya what i actually felt for you, just for you.


Hey there, long time no see =D
hows things going on there?
it has been almost a year that we didn't talked.
i hope you're doing just fine there.
well,
i understand why you hate me so much now.
i know why you removed me from your FB, myspace, friendster, msn and EVERYTHING. even in your mind or sight.
i have to admit that im not really a good bf though.
i really don't know how to handle "bf n gf's" things.
i don't know how to treat you well and make you felt comfortable and loved.
you're my first gf, my first girl.
i don't know how to be a "bf" at that time.
im really sorry.
yea im kinda "cold" to you at those times.
actually im juz confused and panicked.
everytime you called me,
i panicked!
i don't know should i answer your call or something.
cause i'll just stay silent to you if i answer it.
cause i don't know what really im gonna say or something.
everytime we're on the phone,
you're the one that always do the talking.
me?
im just simply answer you or something only.
and we actually talked in the phone for almost 4 hours everytime you called.
and you actually "forced" me to sing for you! haha LOL
and im really sorry N. i really do.
I can see you're trying to be a nice gf for me,
i can feel that you're trying to be nice to me.
that time i was dumb
don't know how to "layan" you back.
and yea you felt tired of it.
i can see that.
you gave and you sacrifice alot of things for me.
and i didn't gave you anything at all.
i can understand why you're tired.


You know?
haha man i still can remember the day we actually talked.
i still remember that you always send my picture of you eating or something.
and you actually SING for me.
and i still have the clip of you singing "DOWN". LOL and i listen to it sometimes when i think about you.
when at school, you always find me but i just keep walk away and avoided you.
sorry cause im scared at that time =(
and slowly slowly i realised you're not that kind of malay i thought you would be.
you're sweet, nice, pretty.
my friends kept on telling me that you actually like me.
and i don't even believe that and i said "aiya she just playing around, all the girls does that"
then i don't why,
i felt something for you.
i start to kinda "layan" you back, find you on FB or msn.
LOL i really love to talk with you.
and i still remember that night you told me that you actually like my voice.
HAHAHA i was laughing i told myself "this girl can't be serious"
then after sometime.
i realised that i actually like you.
and at that time, i don't know that you still like me or not.
so i just kept my mouth shut .
BUT,
untill 25/10
when i was playing dota with my friends.
we were actually texting and texting.
then suddenly u sent me a message.
"hey be my bf lah"
hahaha i freezed at that time and i stared at your message for 20 sec.
and i asked you are you just playing around or you're serious.
and you said ya you're serious about it.
and i think and think...and think
and that time i really like you, seriously.
And i said "yes"
but you said you're scared
cause we come from different religions.
and i said "hey i don't care where you come from, who you are. i just wan to be with you."
after some times, i fell in love in you.
and you know?
i ACTUALLY thought of bringing you out of here and marry you and have a happy family.
hahah i was really naive.

Hey N,
after the night we actually been together,
i heard of my friend that you're just playing with me.
that you're gonna break up with me after the next day you asked me to be you bf.
even your own best friend said that to me.
and hell yea i hurted like hell at that time.
but i didn't believe it,
i just kept love you like the way i used to.
and N, you suffered alot cause of me.
But hey, i really wanted to talk with you at school cause we never actually talked at school before.
but you never showed up after PMR and right after we're together.
the only girl who kept me in company is your best friend, D.
she always talked with me at school,
and ya everyone thought me and her are couples. ==
and sorry that i told you what we did in school everyday,
CAUSE,
I JUST WAN YOU TO FEEL JEALOUS A BIT AND SO YOU CAN ACTUALLY COME TO SCHOOL AND TALK WITH ME.
but you just kept angry at me and D.
and sorry i made a big mistake at that time.
and do you know????
actually everytime me and D talked,
i always ask about your things.
you don't know that isn't it?
after you know that me and D talked at school the whole day every single day,
and you know that D actually likes me too.
You broke up with me.
and that year,
my birthday,
i was holding my phone
waiting for your birthday wish.
but
i didn't receive any of your message. =(



But...
it's too late now.
it has been a year now.
and i still can't forget you.
my friends tell me to let you go, and forget you.
but i just can't.
during in this year
i never stopped reaching out for you.
i kept asking about your information.
even i purposely online at myspace every night to wait you to online and chat.
but you just keep ignoring me.
after we broke up,
it's okay. but i just wan to be friends back with you.
cause i really don't wanna lose a friend like you.
but you just kept avoided me.
well i guess this what i actually deserve.
well i hope things are going great there.
this blog is a good luck wish to you N.

Sometimes i wondered,
IF
i said "No" to you when you asked me to be your bf.
will everything will be different ?
PROBABLY you're still be in the same school with me.
STILL being friends with me like we used to.



Im really sorry, thats all i can say.
you know that i'll would fix things up for you if i had a chance.
hope you enjoy your life there N
Sometimes i prayed for you too.
Take good care N.
Goodbye.
I'll be missing you, like i used to.








P.S.
by the way
last night,
I dreamt of you N.
and i'll never forget that dream.

I believe. =)

Life is always hard, so we all have to be strong and go hard and deal with it.
I have learned that during these times, i really been through a lot of things during these times. And i know it's gonna be tougher and crazier when i grow up.
Things are gonna be more complicated and harder to handle.
Life is always upside down, little bumpy sometimes.
but don't stop having faith on yourself.
Faith is kept all of us living on each day in our lives.
Everything that you're doing now is because you believe in it.
Everything has it's own beginning and it's ending, it just depends on you how to deal with it.
As if you don't trust anything or anyone, you won't be doing anything right now. Seriously.
As if sometimes you felt lost and u felt you're falling apart,
don't ever give up and keep on having faith on yourself.
And just be who you truly are man, don't try to be someone that you're not. It's like a freaking pig try to act like a freakin chicken. ==
As if sometimes you feel you're useless and you feel like you wanna kill yourself, well, don't. Cause everyone has their own talents, there are reasons for each of us are born and we have to find out those freakin reasons. Everyone is up to something, and no one is gonna stop you for what you trying to get. Reach out for somebody when you're feeling down or something, like your family or friends. Talk with somebody, it makes you feel better. Seriously go and try it cause i tried before and i've made it. =D And one day you'll be found and maybe you'll be proud of yourself that you made the right choice and you walked the right path. And you probably will be laughing at yourself that why you being such a dumbass that why you cried and cried until your freaking eyes dried up. Don't ever look back, keep on looking forward.
But in my point of view, each tear that comes out from your eyes, makes you even stronger than you can even imagine. Cause each tear has it's own reasons, so we have to learn from the reasons or mistakes. And Things won't be repeated exactly twice as before, so you'll be more caution and alert on the next time.
We all have to learn from our own damn mistakes, yeah maybe you'll cry of it sometimes, go ahead and let it all out. And when you're done crying, put your faith back on to yourself and get ready to face tomorrow. And you'll be just fine. Live like you're about to fucking die tomorrow, appreciate of every breath that you take. Cause some people are born without a perfect body is dying and willing to switch their lives with you. Be grateful of your perfect body, cause you'll never know how it feels like if you're born without a perfect body. Even i don't, but i am grateful for what i have now. Stop looking for what you want, start being thankful for what you got now. Cause if you keep on looking and focusing for what you want, you'll sooner forget what you actually have.
Hey guys, ask yourselves and think,
As you're closing your eyes and sleep tonight, IF you won't be waking up on the next day, Will you be proud of what you have done in this life? Cause if you ain't, you better go and fix things up to the way it should be and mend yourself before it gets you now.





I was so lost, but now i have found. I was so damn fucking miserable during these times but i kept on having faith cause i know god loves all of us. I fell really hard at those times, but i rise from where i fall. Before i don't even fucking know what im gonna be when i grow up, people keep on asking what im gonna be when i grow up, then i replied with a fake smile on my face "haha i don't know yet". But now i found out what i wanted to be when i grow up. YAY.
And now I see so many of my friends are lack of confidence of their selves. i wanted to help and convince them, but i'll scared that they will think im GAY or annoying. HAHA xD
But seriously i feel really gay writing these things and sorry la if yall felt disgusting or what.
i just wanna say what i wan to say which it's kept in my heart for a long long time.
I do think a lot when im alone.
I look up in the sky and think crappy things.
Im kinda a very emotional and sensitive person myself. hehe~ EWWW ==
but i hope it will help yall even just a little bit after yall read this.



Don't stop having faith on yourself la guys.
=)